


365 Days

by E_Ng714



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, Nightmares, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-25 13:43:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2623874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_Ng714/pseuds/E_Ng714
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Haley's Death, Hotch breaks up with Reid. Reid does not take this well, and has a relapse. Things spiral out of control, and Hotch ends up in a mental institution. Reid leaves the BAU. Will things ever get back to normal, or will there be a new 'normal'?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was in my head one night, so I wrote down. There are so many Hotch/Reid stories about what happened after Haley's death that I wanted to put my own spin on it. Enjoy!

DAY ONE

Hotch sat at his desk, massaging his temples. He’d lost everything; all he had left was his job. He’d lost his confidence. Foyet took that when when he violated Hotch with a knife. Nine times. Lying on the floor, helpless, wishing for death almost. But Foyet had plans for him. Dumping him in the hospital for everyone to see him weak, vulnerable. Turned him into a hypervigilant, paranoid textbook case of PTSD.

He’d lost Haley-three times. Deep down, he knew that if he went to Milwaukee it would be the last nail in the coffin. Although he was devastated when he got back and Haley wasn’t there, he wasn’t surprised. He’d lost her again to WITSEC. All because he was too weak to fight off Foyet. Finally, he’d lost her forever.

He’d lost Jack. Sure, when he and and Haley split up he still saw Jack. Not as often as he wanted but the job. He couldn't help it. Well he could, but he didn’t want to. Again to WITSEC. Luckily Foyet wasn’t able to get to Jack. He’d seen to that. And he couldn’t deny the rush of satisfaction that he’d obtained from beating the life out of Foyet.

He’d lost Spencer. Now that one was totally his fault. Although Haley, Jack, and Foyet wasn’t technically his fault, his logical mind told him this, even if his emotional one didn’t; Spencer, that was all on him.

He and Spencer started seeing each other about a year after his divorce. At first, everything was good. He didn’t have to pretend for Spencer. He didn’t have to wear two hats. He could just be. Spencer tolerated his moods, and his control and trust issues. If Hotch was being an asshole, which happened frequently, Spencer would wait until he had calmed down and tell him. Spencer held him at night during the nightmares, and assured him that they would catch Foyet after the stabbing. Spencer was shot the same day by the way, in the kneecap. Hotch had never even acknowledged it except to ream him out in front of the team for lying about his clearance. That had started a major argument when they got home. After all, hadn't he done the same thing after the New York bombing?

Spencer had absorbed all the barbs and abuse after Foyet. Never berating or arguing back. Just offering silent support. Spencer had held him the night Haley died while he cried until he threw up, then cried some more.

After Hotch returned to work, he was a new man, determined to sever all ties to Foyet and his past as much as possible. That included Spencer. Spencer had seen him weak, at his worst. He was better now, he didn’t need Spencer anymore, right?  
Spencer hadn’t taken it well. He begged, cried, and pleaded. Hotch was immovable. He’d never seen Spencer look so defeated, not even when he had been tortured by Henkel for two days. There was a slight feeling of dread, but he quickly pushed it away. Spencer would get over it.

That was three days ago. Spencer hadn’t been seen since. Hotch figured that he was feeling sorry for himself over the breakup. Fine, he’d give him a few days to get over it. It hurt Hotch too but it was for the best. But now they had a case and he needed Spencer here at work. Time to crash the pity party. He’d sent Morgan to his place to collect him.

His office door flew open so hard that it bounced off the wall. Morgan entered, his expression murderous. 

“Morgan, were you able to locate Reid?”

“Oh, I found him alright.”

“Good, is he here? Wheels up in-”

Derek was on him faster than he could blink. His fist slammed into Hotch’s nose. Hotch fell backwards, taking files on the desk with him.

“I told you if you fucked with his feelings I would kick your ass right? Did you think I was screwing around, you son of a bitch? I’m gonna beat your ass!”

Hotch was pretty good in a fight, hell, Foyet was a testament to that. But Morgan was stronger, younger and much faster. As Derek’s fists slammed into his face again and again, he could barely defend himself. He felt himself losing consciousness….

“Derek! Derek! What are you doing?” Prentiss screamed.

Thundering of feet, five agents, maybe six, pulling Derek off him and dragging him from the room. Blurred images of Prentiss and JJ shouting at him.

He came to on the couch with Prentiss, JJ, and Rossi hovering over him.

“What...what…” he tried to sit up. His head swirled, and he fell back.

“Hotch, don’t try to sit up. Lie down,” Prentiss soothed.

“Dave what...what happened? Why did Derek attack me? Where is he?”

“He’s been suspended by Strauss for attacking you. Aaron, what do you remember about it?” Rossi asked.  
“I remember asking him about Spencer and he just attacked me. Why did he do that?”

Prentiss, JJ and Rossi exchanged looks.

“What the hell is going on?” Hotch demanded. 

“Um Hotch,” Prentiss started. “You know how you told him to find Reid right?”

“Yes, I told him to go to Reid’s apartment. Did he find him?”

“He found him, but he wasn’t at home.” Rossi answered.

“What? Where was he?”

“At a hotel in DC.”

Hotch’s stomach nose dived. “What was he doing there?”

“Hotch, I’m afraid I have bad news. When Morgan found Spencer, he was unconscious. He had a relapse, a bad one. He’s in the hospital now.”

“What!” Hotch practically screamed, trying to get off the couch.

“Aaron, lie down!” Rossi ordered.

“No! I have to get to Reid! I have to-” He tried to stand but his legs gave out and he fell back against the couch.

“Aaron, you’re in no fit shape to go anywhere. You need to rest.”

“I can’t rest! Spencer needs me-” Hotch didn’t miss the flash of anger in JJ’s eyes and across Emily’s face.

“Would you let me talk to Aaron alone please?” Rossi asked Prentiss and JJ.

“No! We’re not going anywhere! What you say to him you say to us! We have a right to know!” Pretiss snapped.

“Ok, fine. Aaron, I’m going to ask you some questions and I’m not trying to pry. But did something happen between you and Spencer?”

Aaron glared at Dave. “That’s none of your-”

“Aaron, not now! This isn’t about your pride! Now answer the question.”

Aaron bit his lip. “I ended it a few days ago.”

“I see. And how did he take it?”

“Not...not well at all.”

“When is the last time you talked to him?”

“Not since that night.”

“Hotch!” Prentiss yelled. “That was three days ago! Three fucking days! It never occurred to you to go check on him?"

“I was giving him space,” Aaron defended himself.

“Space? Is that what you call it?” JJ spat. “I knew I should have listened to Morgan. Spencer was nothing but a plaything to you! When you got tired of him you just threw him away!”

“Alright enough!” Rossi intervened. “JJ, Emily, please wait outside.”

“This is your fault!” JJ snapped before leaving and slamming his door, causing him to wince.

Aaron was hyperventilating. “Dave...I did this...this is my fault…I...I…”

“Aaron,” Rossi said calmly. “This is not about you, this is about Spencer. I understand the reasons why you broke up with him but-”

“What do you mean?” Aaron demanded. 

“Aaron, I know you blame yourself for Haley but-”

“This is not about Haley!”

“Aaron, this is about Haley and you know it. You blame yourself for what happened, and probably always will. Deep down you know it’s not your fault but its easier for you to take the blame. You internalize everything and when it comes out, you have no control to stop it. It came out, and Spencer took the brunt of it.”

Aaron looked down, his eyes stinging. “He refused to abandon you, refused to give up. Even though you did everything in your power to push him away. You had lost all confidence in yourself and your ability to protect, which is why you broke up with him. He was already on edge, and this pushed him over."

“So this is my fault,” Aaron said, silent tears streaming down his face. 

“I didn’t say that Aaron.”

“But it is, isn’t it?" Aaron demanded. “Just say it Dave! This happened because of me!”

“Aaron, from what I understand about addiction and Spencer, there is no ‘fault’; only triggers. Yes, your breakup may have been the trigger. That’s all I can say.”

“They all hate me...Morgan, JJ, Prentiss...they all…”

“They’re upset, Aaron. Understandably so. They see Spencer as a younger brother and you hurt him. And you’ve got bigger problems. While Strauss was suspending Derek he confessed the whole thing to her. Your relationship with Spencer, everything. Be prepared, Aaron. She’s coming for you, and this time, it may stick.

Aaron couldn’t be concerned about that now. The only thing he could be concerned about was Spencer.

“Dave,” he said desperately. “I need to see him.”

“Tell you what. You stay at my house tonight and we’ll go first thing tomorrow. Face it Aaron, you’re in no condition to drive. You can barely walk.”

“Dave, how many people saw what happened between Derek and me?”

“Aaron I have to be honest. Just about everyone in the bullpen. It took five agents to pull him off of you and he was screaming about what you did the entire time.”

Aaron squeezed his eyes shut. The very thing he’d been trying to avoid, weakness and humiliation had been exposed for everyone to see. He could never show his face here again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer gets out of rehab and finds out what happened to Aaron.

**Day forty-seven**

 

“Hey, Pretty Boy. Glad to see you lookin' good!” Derek said as he helped Spencer load his bags into Derek’s car. “How do you feel?”

 

“Better than I did six weeks ago,” Spencer replied. “Morgan...thanks for you know...and I’m sorry I’ve been so much trouble.”

 

“No man, this is not your fault.  Don’t ever think that. This is all-” Derek stopped short of mentioning Hotch’s name.

 

“Look Morgan you can’t blame-”

 

“Stop,” Derek interrupted. “Don’t even mention his name.”

 

“Ok, ok. How’s the team?”

 

“Well kid, a lot has changed since you left. Rossi is Unit Chief now.”

 

“Rossi? Why not you?” Spencer asked. “You took over when Hotch stepped down…”

 

“Yes, but its a long story. And we have two new agents. Blake, and they finally took Anderson off of B squad.”

 

“Oh...ok. Where are we going?”

 

“To my place kid. You’re staying with me.”

 

“Huh? Derek, I’m fine. I’d like to go to my own apartment-”

 

“Nope. Out of the question. At least for a few days kid.”

 

Spencer sighed in defeat.

 

He should have known the team would plan something. They all met at Rossi’s for a welcome home party. Derek, Emily, JJ, Will, and Garcia were there. The women fussed over him, commenting on his hair, which reached his shoulders now and curled. And that he seemed to gain weight. Derek didn’t agree, and promised to put Spencer through boot camp to ‘shape him up’.

 

But the tension was there. Every time Spencer broached the subject of Hotch, the team just kind of looked at each other and didn’t say anything. Spencer was exasperated. He knew he wasn’t going to get answers  from them. He would have to find them on his own.

 

He got though the party and spent a restless night on Derek’s bed in his spare room. The next day, he planned to visit his sponsor ‘John’ from the FBI and get some answers.

 

After Derek went to work, Spencer called his sponsor on his private cell phone. He said he was busy all day in meetings, but he could come the next day.

 

**Day Forty-nine**

 

The next day, Spencer was there two hours early.

 

The first thing John wanted to talk about was his reinstatement.

 

“Has Strauss contacted you yet?”

 

Reid shook his head. “No.”

 

“Well she should shortly. You have two options. The first one involves reinstatement. You would have to pass a Psych eval and attend regular counseling sessions, along with random drugs tests at least weekly.”

 

“What’s the other?”

 

“The other involves you leaving the bureau. We can offer you a severance package of six months pay, and continue your benefits for one year. We would not disclose the reasons for you leaving.”

 

Spencer thought. He would definitely miss the BAU but the latter sounded more attractive. Besides, he couldn’t stand the humiliation, the judging eyes and whispers.

 

“Can I think about it?”

 

“Sure. Strauss should be in touch this week.”

 

“Thank you. Now the reason I came to talk to you is about Aaron...Agent Hotchner.”

 

“What do know about the situation?”

 

“Nothing. Every  time I asked them about it they would just look the other way.”

 

John nodded. “Well technically that file is confidential; but since you’re listed as his emergency contact I can give you some information.”

 

“Ok. Is he still with the bureau?” John shook his head.

 

“Afraid not.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“He agreed to take early retirement.”

 

“Because of me?”

 

“No, not because of you. His actions led to this.”

 

“What happened?”

 

John sighed. “Well as you may remember, agent Morgan located you in the hotel, unconscious. You’d had a relapse. He rushed you to the hospital.”

 

Spencer nodded. He knew this.

 

“Well after he checked you in he came back to the bureau and...attacked Hotchner.”

 

“What?”

 

“He blamed Hotchner for your relapse and physically assaulted him. It took five agents to pull him off of Hotchner.”

 

Spencer remembered Derek's words when he found out about the relationship. _"Reid I don’t like this. Not at all. If he hurts you I swear to God I’ll beat him to bloody pulp."_

 

“Was he hurt?”

 

“Broken nose, split lip, two black eyes. Minor concussion.”

 

Spencer’s mouth dropped open.

 

“Morgan was taken to Strauss’ office and he confessed everything that happened. About the relationship. The drug use, the relapse. He was suspended for a month.

 

“Hotchner showed up at the hospital the next day and demanded to see you, but Morgan had already explicitly instructed staff not to let him in. He didn’t take that well. He had to be forcibly removed from the hospital by security. He assaulted two security personnel and police had to be called.

 

“Hotchner was arrested and released on bail. Strauss wanted him terminated but I intervened and offered him retirement, for his service to the FBI. He took it without argument. Due to Morgan’s actions, Rossi was named Unit Chief.”

 

“Where is he now?”

 

John sighed. “At the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institution.”

 

Spencer sprang up out of his seat. “What?” he shouted.

 

“Spencer, please calm down. Things went from bad to worse after the incident in the hospital. He blamed himself for your relapse, and was determined to find you. But we would not release the name of the facility where you were, for your safety. His behavior became more and more erratic. His sister in law reported him missing after a week. He was eventually found by Agents Rossi and Prentiss wandering along the highway, muttering to himself about having to find you. They checked him into the hospital, but they were not equipped to handle his behavior. He was moved to the Mental Health Facility a little over a month ago.”

 

Spencer was hyperventilating. “Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh god…. This is my fault; this is all my fault…”

 

“No,” John said, softly but firmly. “His breakdown is no more your fault than your relapse is his. These things happen. Hotchner was never the same after Foyet’s attack. He should have been taken out of the field. After his ex wife’s death he hit rock bottom. You were there trying to support him, but you needed support too.”

 

Spencer’s eyes were stinging with tears.

 

“What about his son?”

 

“I don’t have a clear answer to that question. My guess is that he is in the custody of his ex wife’s sister.”

 

_Poor Jack._ He had essentially lost both parents. Even Spencer had his mother.

 

“I’m sorry Spencer, but this is as far as I can go.”

 

Spencer stood. “Thank you John.”

 

As he left, he got a call from Strauss.

 

He arrived at the BAU amidst whispers and stares. He went straight to Strauss’ office.

 

“Dr. Reid,” she began. “As you know,  you violated article thirty eight section B of the FBI’s fraternization clause when you entered into a relationship with former Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner. As a result of this, Agent Hotchner has been terminated."

 

_Bitch. Lying Conniving Bitch._

 

“However we are prepared to consider the fact that Hotchner may have abused his power and enticed you, maybe not forcibly but put you in a position where it was hard to say no."

 

He wanted to open his mouth and argue, but there was no point.

 

“So, we are prepared to look past that and issue a reprimand. However,” she cleared her throat. “Your substance abuse cannot be overlooked. The Bureau has a zero tolerance on drug abuse.”

 

_This coming from the biggest drunk in the department. Who did she think she was fooling?_

 

“You have two options. You may return to work if you pass a Psychiatric evaluation. Also, you must attend weekly counseling sessions and undergo random drug testing.”

 

_Yeah. Yeah._

 

“The other choice,” there was a sparkle in her eyes. “Is to resign. We can offer you a generous severance package. Six months pay and a year of benefits. You can have a few days to-”

 

“I’ll take the severance.”

 

Strauss blinked, trying to suppress the victorious look in her features. “I think you made the right decision. Give us two days to draw up the paperwork.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He had planned to leave the office and head to his car but he was stopped by Derek.

 

“Hey pretty boy!” Derek called. Spencer walked to his office.

 

“Morgan.”

 

“So, when are you coming back? I’m sure you’ll pass that psych eval-”

 

“I’m not coming back Morgan.”

 

“What!?”

 

“You heard me. They offered me a conditional return requiring counseling and drug testing or a severance. I took the severance.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m tired, Derek. And this job is too stressful. If I stay here, I’m sure I’ll start using again.”

 

“If this is because of Hotch-”

 

“This has nothing to do with him. And by the way, I know.”

 

“Know what?”

 

“Don’t play games, Morgan. I _know_ what happened to him.”

 

“Did Strauss tell you-”

 

“Of course not,” Spencer cut in. “Although she did spin some pretty lies. But no, she didn’t tell me.”

 

“Who told you-”

 

“Is that important? And by the way I’ll be going back to my apartment. Thank you for everything you did Morgan, I can never repay you-”

 

“You can repay me by coming back to work!”

 

“That’s not going to happen. I have to go now.” He walked out of the office.

 

“Reid,” Derek called after him. “Reid!”

 

But Reid was gone.

 

“What’s going on Derek?” Rossi asked.

 

“He quit, Rossi. Strauss offered him a severance and he took it!”

 

Dave sighed. “Derek, I know this is hard to accept but you had to see this coming after everything that happened.”

 

Derek slammed his fist into the desk. “This is Hotch’s fault!”

 

“Blaming Aaron isn’t going to bring Reid back. Yes, he made some bad decisions, a lot of them. But I think he’s suffered enough.”

 

Derek glared at him.

 

“He’s lost everything that mattered to him, Derek. His job, his family, even Spencer. His mother and brother turned their back on him too. I’m basically all he has. No one else would help him. When we found him on the highway that night I cried. You should have seen him. All he could think about was Reid. He’ll never forgive himself for what happened.”

 

Derek sighed. He knew Rossi was right. Spencer still had a support system. Hotch had nothing. They took his son, his credentials, everything. He was locked away in a mental institution for who knows how long. But he was still angry, and not prepared to forgive him yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tendency to mix first and last names. Sometimes I may say 'Reid' or 'Morgan', and at other times I will say 'Spencer' or 'Derek' . This is intentional and unintentional. Hotch and Rossi are on a first name basis, as will Reid and Hotch be for this story, since they are in a relationship. Sometimes I just do it accidentally though. Yeah, and Hotch really does kind of lose it in this story. I've read some pretty good ones where Hotch has a breakdown, so I am trying my hand at it. You will find out what he's up to in the next chapter. Please comment or leave kudos, something to let me know you are reading and you enjoy. Please? (puppy dog eyes)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer shows up at the Mental Institution with questions.

**At the Mental Institution (Day forty nine)**

 

Aaron stared out of the windows, looking at the setting sun. He knew what was coming, in another hour, the doctor and the orderlies would come. They would strap him down to the bed and sedate him.

 

The same thing, day in day out. The doctor coming asking if he was ready to talk about why he was there. Aaron refusing. The doctor offering him group and art therapy. Aaron refusing. The doctor reminding him that if he didn’t accept treatment that he would never get out.

 

It didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered. Everything he treasured was gone.

 

Haley. Jack. Spencer.

 

_Spencer._ The only thing that provoked emotion in him anymore. The reason he was in here..

 

When Derek had found Spencer passed out with a needle in his arm, he’d come for Hotch and literally beat his face in. But the humiliation didn’t stop there. He wanted to see Spencer in the hospital; but Morgan had beaten him to it and blocked his visits. That didn’t end well. He ended up in jail for forty eight hours.

 

Everything after that was a blur. Strauss firing him. The director intervening and offering retirement. Spencer moved to a treatment facility. Then things blurred even more.

  


All he wanted to do was _find_ Spencer; to make sure he was OK. If he could at least made sure he was OK, he would have left it.

 

But no one would help him. Morgan, Prentiss, JJ, even Garcia, blamed him for what happened. Only Dave seemed to feel it wasn’t his fault.

 

But it was. All his fault. He’d put himself above everyone else, something he swore he would never do.

 

Spencer had ended up in the hospital with a near overdose and a broken spirit. He had ended up with a broken nose, broken career, broken family, and  broken heart.

 

The only thing that calmed him was writing. He had stacks and stacks of legal pads with his writing; mostly letters to Spencer and lamentations over his mistakes. It was the only thing that kept him from going completely insane. He was obviously partially insane or he wouldn’t be here.

 

He counted the days. Thirty four days. He’d been in this miserable place for thirty four days. The exact amount of time between the time he’d been stabbed by Foyet and he returned to work; supposedly ‘recovered’.

 

What a joke.

 

He looked down at himself. He was skinny, he’d lost at least forty pounds. He’d been too wound up to eat. Not to mention the taste of institutionalized food was well...institutionalized.

 

They were here now. He no longer fought them. He lay back and let them strap his arms and legs down and start the IV. Not long now. Not long before he would be asleep and then his helpless descent into hell would begin for eight hours.

 

_**In the Lobby** _

 

“May I help you sir?” The nurse said the young man who’d shown up. He was tall, with light brown hair and hazel eyes. His eyes told a sad story. Slightly too thin, mix matched socks, old black and white converses. Hell, he could be a patient here.

 

“Yes, I was wondering if I could see Aaron Hotchner?"

 

She got the strangest look in her eyes. “Um, I’ll need to contact the doctor.” She got on the phone. Moments later, a short, elderly man with graying hair and kind eyes appeared.

 

“Hello, I’m Dr.Schmidt, Mr. Hotchner’s doctor. Visiting hours are from ten am to four pm.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I just found out he was in here today.”

 

“What is your name sir?”

 

“My name is Dr. Spencer Reid.”

 

That made the doctor do a double take. “You’re Spencer?”

 

“Yes, I’m Spencer.”

 

“Excuse me.” The doctor hurried off to make a phone call.

 

_**Quantico** _

 

“Rossi.”

 

“Mr. Rossi? This is Dr. Schmidt. I’m sorry to call so late.”

 

Rossi sat up straight. “Has something happened?”

 

“No sir. But there is a man named Dr. Spencer Reid here and he is requesting to see Mr. Hotchner. As his guardian, you have to clear any visitors.”

 

“Is Aaron even awake?”

 

“He’s just been put to bed.”

 

Put to bed. Like a child.

 

“Sir? What do you want me to do?”

 

Spencer remained in the lobby, tapping his foot while the doctor ran to call Rossi. Spencer knew that was who he was calling. As his mother’s guardian, all visitors had to be cleared with him first.

 

“Sir?” The doctor was back. “I have spoken with his guardian and he has granted you a one time visit. He said after he speaks with you and depending on how Mr. Hotchner responds we can go from there.”

 

Spencer followed the doctor down a long corridor, through a set of double doors and through another long corridor.

 

“This visit won’t tell you much though. Mr. Hotchner has already been put to bed for the evening.”

 

Put to bed. They put his mother to bed.

 

At last they were at his room. Spencer gasped, and his knees nearly gave out. The doctor grabbed him, he was surprisingly strong. There Aaron lay, strapped down to the bed, hooked up to an IV that was no doubt pumping a heavy dose of sedatives into his veins.

 

“Why...why is he strapped down like that?” Spencer choked out.

 

“Well sir, I’m not allowed to go too much into his condition. Only his guardian has full access to his files. But I can tell you that he is difficult during the day under the best of circumstances and impossible to control at night. Restraint and sedation are for his own safety, as well as ours. He suffers from night terrors and parasomnia.”

 

“Is he receiving treatment?”

 

“Sir, we are currently devising a plan besides psychiatric therapy, of which he has adamantly refused. Although he is not as difficult as he was when he arrived, he still refuses to participate in treatment. He does however, write a lot. I think it helps some, but he does need to talk to someone. But from his personality type, that will be hard for him to do.”

 

Silent tears were leaking from Spencer’s eyes. A year ago, he was one of the top agents in the bureau. Now he’d been reduced to this. Strapped to a bed in a mental hospital, pumped full of drugs.

 

“Can I talk to him?”

 

“I don’t know how much it will help, but I’ll give you a few minutes.”

 

Spencer walked into the room and stared down at his former lover. His eyes were open and blank, staring at nothing. “Aaron?” he whispered.

 

A tiny, tiny light of recognition before they turned blank again.

 

“Aaron, please don’t give up. Fight for me. Fight for us.”

 

He walked out of the small room. “If I write him a letter, will you give it to him?”

 

The doctor nodded. “Of course, but I will have to read it first, to be sure it won’t trigger an episode. Do you need paper?”

 

“No I have my own.” Spencer reached into his messenger bag and took out a sheet of

velum and his fountain pen.

 

_Dear Aaron..._

 

Rossi groaned as he hopped out of bed to answer the banging. He had a feeling he knew who it was.

 

“Spencer.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me!” Spencer demanded, pushing his way into the house.

“Spencer…”

 

“Did you see him Rossi? They’ve got him strapped to a bed, pumped full of sedatives! He’s as skinny as a rake! How could you...how…” he was cut off by his own tears.

 

Rossi gathered Spencer into his arms.

 

“Spencer, I know this is hard. But there is nothing else we can do. He is there for his protection, he could hurt himself. I’m a profiler, not a psychiatrist. I don’t know how to take care of him. It breaks my heart too.”

 

“This is all my fault…” Spencer sobbed.

 

“No,” Rossi said gently. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. It’s not your fault. The circumstances were created, and mistakes made by many, not just you and Aaron, led to this.”

 

“But he just...just gave up...he looked so defeated.”

 

Rossi nodded again. “Aaron’s mental state has been fragile ever since that first interaction with Foyet in Boston. It got worse and worse after that. After the attack, Morgan came to me concerned. I should have listened to him, but I didn’t. We all just kind of looked the other way, thinking Aaron was strong enough to deal with it. But he was really screaming for help, even though he rejected all of us, even you.”

 

“So what is the diagnosis?”

 

“Spencer, I’m not sure…”

 

“Please Rossi. I have to know.”

 

“Ok. Aaron had been diagnosed with mixed anxiety depressive disorder. He also has PTSD which started after he was attacked and progressed up until his...well meltdown so to speak.”

 

“Kind of like Gideon.”

 

“Spencer, I’ll give you an analogy you can understand. Gideon was like Three Mile Island and Aaron was Chernobyl.”

 

Spencer nodded. “What can we do?”

 

Rossi shook his head. “We can let him know that he is not alone, that we are here for him. I’ve been telling him that without much success. But coming from you can make a real difference. I think he may start to want to get better now.”

 

“Do you think he’ll have to stay there...permanently?” Spencer asked.

 

“The doctors said that under the best of circumstances he would be there for at least a year. That’s if he undergoes treatment. Even if he’s released he will be under intense therapy and supervision. It’s going to be a long journey back to health. But Spencer I don’t have to tell you that he will never be the same again..”

 

Spencer nodded. “How did you end up as his guardian?”

 

“Well he has been declared unfit to make his own decisions; so he needed a guardian to make decisions on his behalf. Of course they went to family first, but Sean and Mrs. Hotchner flat out refused. After everything they put him through they abandoned him when he needed them the most. Haley’s sister has her hands full with Jack. There was no one else but me. I was happy to do it.”

 

“Does he allow you to visit?”

 

“Occasionally. But he’s still a proud man. He doesn’t want people to see him like that, which is why he won’t let Jack visit. He says that its no place for a child.”

 

“How is Jack holding up?”

 

“He doesn’t really understand what is going on. He knows that his father is tired and needs to rest.”

 

“Ok. I wrote him a letter. The doctor said he would give it to him.”

 

“I think that would be good for him.”

 

“I hope so.”

 

“So Derek told me you took the severance?”

 

Spencer nodded. “I can never go back there again, not after all that’s happened.”

 

“Perfectly understandable. What will you do now?”

  
“I don’t know, maybe academia. I just need some time to think though. I’m going to see my mom next week. Then I’m coming back here to think out my next move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've done some research into the condition that Hotch has. I didn't want to simply say 'nervous breakdown' or 'meltdown'. Also, I included the Chernobyl/Three Mile Island reference as a to demonstrate both Spencer's and my love for science. And the doctor probably wouldn't be so forthcoming with information about Aaron's condition but I want you to know what's going on. Remember, comments and kudos are appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finds out that Spencer came to visit. Will this be the motivation he needs?

**Day Fifty**

 

_“Aaron. Don’t give up. Fight for me. Fight for us.”_

 

That was his dream last night. He’d heard Spencer’s voice. He was sure of it. It had halted his descent into hell. But Spencer was gone, locked away at a drug treatment facility. All because of _him_.

 

If only he could see him, talk to him. That’s all he needed.

 

“Good morning Aaron.”

 

His doctor was here. Same as usual, but something was different. He was hiding something. The profiler in him immediately started scrolling through the possibilities.

 

“You look like you have something on your mind Aaron. Want to tell me what it is?”

 

“I was about to ask you that.”

 

“Let’s start with you. Tell me what’s on your mind and I promise full disclosure.”

 

“I heard Spencer last night.”

 

The doctor’s face twitched.  Aha! There was definitely something going on! Aaron could see it!

 

“Heard him where?”

 

“In a dream.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He said ‘Aaron, please don’t give up. Fight for me. Fight for us’.”

 

The doctor nodded “Interesting…”

 

Aaron narrowed his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Aaron, what you heard may not have been a dream. Spencer came to visit you last night.”

 

Aaron jumped off the bed. “Spencer was here?”

 

The doctor nodded. “He was. He showed up last night after you were in bed. We had to call Mr. Rossi to get permission to let him see you.”

 

“You mean he saw me…” Aaron swallowed hard.

 

“He did.”

 

“How did he take it?”

 

“Understandably, he was shaken. He had a lot of questions, which I could not answer. He asked to talk to you privately. I don’t know what he said, but that could have been it.”

 

Aaron nodded. “But how? I mean I was sedated…”

 

“True, but obviously you had some moments of lucidity.”

 

“Did….did he say anything else?”

 

The doctor reached into the pocket of his lab coat and pulled out a piece of folded vellum. Spencer’s velum. The paper he used to write his mother.

 

“He left you this and asked to give it to you.” Aaron took the letter in trembling hands. It was definitely Spencer’s script.

 

_Dear Aaron,_

_I don’t know how to begin this letter, there are so many things I want to say. I may ramble so bear with me._

_The first thing I want you to know is that what happened to me is not  your fault. I know you may not believe that but  it’s true. I made a poor choice on how to deal with the situation, I took the easy way out. I’m sorry for that._

_I came to see you tonight. (Wednesday, September 8th) and to see you like that broke my heart. Aaron, you are a fighter. You may feel like you lost me but you haven’t and you never will. You never give up, so don’t give up now. You have to fight, Aaron. For me, for us. You may feel abandoned but you are not. You have Jack, Rossi, and me. We will never give up on you! Promise me you won’t give up on yourself!_

_I am going to visit my mother for about a week, then I will be back. If you want to write me, send the letter to the PO Box listed below. I want to come and visit you again, if you are getting better and if you allow it._

_Always yours,_

_Spencer_

 

By the time Aaron got to the bottom of the page, his eyes were stinging with tears. He clutched the letter in one hand and buried his face into the pillow with the other, sobbing for the first time since Rossi told him that Spencer had been found nearly dead in a hotel room. He felt the doctor’s hand on his shoulder. He didn’t shake it off. He let the doctor’s reassuring hand remain on his shoulder While he cried his frustrations out. When he finally lifted his tear stained face away from the pillow, the doctor handed him a box of kleenex.

 

“Do you want to talk?”

 

Aaron, to his own disbelief and to the disbelief of his doctor’s, nodded.

 

“Ok, we can talk. You didn’t eat much breakfast this morning. Why don’t you try to eat a little more, then get cleaned up and meet me in an hour?”

 

Aaron nodded.

 

An hour later, Aaron was seated in the doctor’s office in one of his comfortable chairs wearing fresh khaki scrubs.

 

“Now Aaron, why do you think that you are here?"

 

_**Later** _

 

_Dear Spencer,_

_I received your letter, thank you for writing it, and for coming to visit me.  I heard you that night, when you told me to fight for us. I thought it was a dream but Dr. Schmidt told me it wasn’t. It was like I was in a black hole and you're voice was a tiny spark of light._

_That sounds corny doesn’t it? But Dr. Schmidt told me to write what I feel, it was a part of my therapy. Yes, I am doing the therapy now. Not in a group, and not the art therapy, but I am talking to Dr. Schmidt. And I write. A lot. I’ve been writing since I got here. I have over sixty legal pads filled with writing. I’ve written more here than I ever did in law school and at the bureau. Sometimes my hands ache but I write anyway._

_I know you said what happened to you wasn’t my fault but I still feel like it is. But you know me, that’s just how I am. I just want you to know that I’m so, so, sorry for this. Not just the relapse, but for everything that happened after Foyet. You were there for me and I pushed you away, fought against your comfort. But you needed someone too, and I took that for granted. For that, I’m sorry. I will never do that again._

_I am glad you went to see your mother. I’m sure she misses you. You are such a good son. But you are a good, friend, lover, and agent too. You have so many talents other than your intelligence._

_I really would like to see you again. I know you are probably busy with work but come and see me if you can. But please can you give 2 days notice. Write me back when you have time._

_Yours truly,_

_Aaron_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next few chapters, you will see a lot letters being written. Aaron is opening up and reaching out to people. Remember people, comment and kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron prepares for Spencer's visit and writes to Jack.

**Day seventy-nine**

 

_One week. One week until Spencer was coming._  Instead of Spencer giving two days notice, he had decided to give two weeks notice. It was supposed to help Aaron prepare for his visit, but it only made him more nervous. He was having a hard time eating; he had to force himself. And the nightmares.

 

Oh God, the nightmares.

 

He had insisted that the doctor take him off the sedatives, although he agreed to the restraints. He had to learn how to live with the nightmares if he was going to get out, and he was getting out of there.

 

He looked at his wrists. The bruises were healing, but would probably never completely be gone. He had stopped pulling on the restraints so much. He was sure his ankles had bruises as well if he cared to look.

 

The nightmares were unbearable. Everything from his childhood, like the one where his father strapping him to the bed and setting it on fire; to high school, to college, to his early life with Haley. The nightmares involving Jack and Spencer were the worst. They both involved Aaron being tied up and having to watch an UnSub torture Jack and Spencer slowly to death. He tried to close his eyes but he couldn’t. The UnSub was faceless, and he automatically assumed that it was Foyet, but the voice was wrong.

 

Dr. Schmidt explained it to him.

 

“Maybe the identity of the UnSub is not important Aaron. Maybe it’s more about what he represents.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“It’s not necessarily Foyet. It’s what he represents. He represents a vulnerability. Before Foyet, you never thought of yourself as susceptible.  Foyet exposed a vulnerability by attacking your family.”

 

“How does Spencer play a role in all this?”

 

“Think about it. Who are the two most important people to you? Imagine what you would do, how you would feel, if something happened to them and you couldn’t save them.”

 

Aaron nodded. “Makes sense.”

 

“How have your journals been coming along?”

 

“They help.”

 

“Do you go back and read them?”

 

“Sometimes, but they usually scare me.”

 

“Committing those thoughts to paper helps to get them out of your head.”

 

“So, are you ready for Spencer’s visit next week?” The doctor watched as Aaron visibly  flinched.

 

“Yes, and no. I want to see him but I'm nervous about him seeing me like this.”

 

“Is it pride?”

 

“I don’t know., maybe. But I keep thinking that if he sees me like this he may not...want me anymore.”

 

“Why do  you think that?”

 

“Look at me! I’m locked up in a mental institution, strapped down every night. I’m skinny as a rake and….and….”

 

“Do you think Spencer cares about that?”

 

“No, probably not. It’s my vanity talking.”

 

“Vanity is a good thing, sometimes. It means that more aspects of your personality are returning.”

 

“Are you saying I’m vain?” Aaron asked.

 

“No Aaron, those were your words, not mine.”

 

“Hmphf.”

 

“Aaron, we need to talk about Jack.”

 

Aaron flinched again, and glared at the doctor. “I don’t want to talk about Jack.”

 

“I know you don’t but we need to.”

 

Aaron sighed. “What do you want to know?”

 

“Have you tried to contact him?”

 

“Of course not!” Aaron snapped.

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t want him to see me like this…”

 

“He won’t have to see you. You can call him, or write him a letter.”

 

“I can't. I can’t talk to him right now…”

 

“You could write him a letter.”

 

Hotch shut his eyes tight. He could write him a letter. In fact he should. Jack was basically an orphan now. He didn’t know anything about what happened to his dad.

 

**Day Eighty-four**

 

“Jack,” Jessica said. “You got mail today!”

 

“Really? Jack squealed. From who? Is it daddy?”

 

Jessica handed him the letter. “Careful! Don’t rip the envelope! It has the return address.”

 

_Dear Jack,_

_Hey buddy! It’s dad! I know you are wondering where I am. But I am very tired, and I need some rest. I want you to know that I miss you and I think about you every day. I want you to be good for Auntie Jessica, and your family.  I would love to have a letter from you, but only after you finish your homework and chores. Be a good boy, and don’t forget to talk to your mommy in heaven._

_Love,_

_Dad_

 

“I told  you he would write!” Jessica soothed the child who was crying tears of joy. “He didn’t forget about you!”

“When is he coming home?”

  
“I don’t know Jack. But remember what he said You can write him! After homework and chores of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Spencer will visit. How will they react to seeing each other. Comments and Kudos please!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer visits Aaron. More letters.

**Day Eighty-six**

 

_Today was the day_. Spencer would be here. For the last two days, Aaron had hardly been able to eat or sleep. His writings  were all random and erratic. He sat in the garden on a bench, trembling with nervousness, his stomach churning. Maybe he should call the whole visit off, yes, that what he should do.  But then he berated himself for cowardice. Why should he be afraid? Spencer wanted to see him too.

 

**********

 

Spencer stood at the registration desk more nervous than when he was going to see his mother.  Normally, he would come and observe his mother for a day or so before visiting her, but that wasn’t an option here. He was desperate to see Aaron, to actually have a conversation.

 

Dr. Schmidt was here. “Aaron is in the garden. He is looking forward to you.”

 

“How is he?” Spencer asked nervously.

 

“He’s been doing a lot better since your visit. But it is still a long journey.” They entered the garden. “There will be two orderlies in the distance. Do not worry, they are only there in case of an incident.”

 

“Incident?”

 

“Panic attack, flashback, or other emergencies. Don’t worry, they won’t bother you.” The doctor checked his watch. “It’s eleven o’clock. Visiting hours end at four, lunch is at one.”

 

Aaron looked up to see Spencer walking and talking with Dr. Schmidt. He also noticed the two orderlies at a discreet distance, in case of an ‘event’. Dr. Schmidt left with a friendly wave to Aaron. They locked eyes.

 

The first thing Aaron noticed was Spencer’s eyes; soft and as sensitive as ever. They were surrounded by dark circles, even darker than usual.

 

Spencer noticed that Aaron had aged a lot over the past few months. His hair was salt and pepper instead of the mostly black with silver glints. His eyes were haunted, holding a lot of pain and secrets. His wrists had dark bruises. And he was...thin. Gone was the taut, muscular body with washboard abs. He was a shell of his former self.

In Spencer’s eyes, he was absolutely beautiful.

 

When Aaron saw Spencer approaching, he rose from the bench. They stopped a few feet apart from each other and just stared at each other. Spencer spoke first.

 

“Hello Aaron.”

 

“Spencer.”

 

Spencer stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Aaron. For a few moments Aaron stood there, afraid to respond. Spencer was about to pull away when Aaron finally returned the embrace. They stood there, embracing for a long few minutes.

 

“Spencer,” Aaron’s voice was muffled. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Me too Aaron, me too.” Instead of arguing that Spencer had nothing to be sorry about, the two just decided to enjoy the moment.

 

“I’ve missed you,” Spencer whispered.

 

“I’ve missed you too,” Aaron admitted. “I think about you every day.”

 

They sat down, looking into each others eyes and holding hands.

 

Spencer finally broke the silence. “So you heard me that night?”

 

“I did. I thought it was a dream but Dr. Schmidt told me that you came to see me. I’m sorry that you...you had to see me like that,” Aaron said looking down, his face flushed with shame.

 

“Aaron, don’t apologize. I want you to get better, to get out of here. So we can...be together again...if you still want me that is.”

 

Aaron looked up. “Of course I do! But why would you want me?  I mean I...I just let you go. I’m sorry Spencer. I was just afraid of losing you too. I know it doesn’t make sense but I lost all confidence...I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need you anymore but I did. And you needed me too and I wasn’t there for you…” Aaron’s voice cracked and a tear rolled down his cheek.

 

Spencer wiped the tear away with his finger. “It’s OK, Aaron. You didn’t lose me, and you never will. I love you Aaron.”

 

“I love you too Spencer. And I promise never to take you for granted again. But Spencer...I’m not...I’m not the man I was, and never will be again. Gone is the SSA Hotchner, Unit Chief of the BAU. I had to leave all that behind. Now, I’m just Aaron. A man who has lost so much and has very little to live for.”

 

“Aaron, I left behind the Bureau as well.”

 

Aaron’s head snapped up. “Because of me?”

 

“No, no Aaron, it wasn’t because of  you. That place just has so many bad memories, and is full of pain. When I returned from the treatment center, they offered me a severance and I took it. It’s time to move on. Like I told Derek; if I stay there I’ll just start using again. It’s too stressful. I did a lot of good and made a lot of friends but I don’t regret my decision, not in the least.”

 

“Me either, Spencer. I used to think that the BAU was my life. I let it consume me. But after you...I...they offered me retirement and I took it with no argument. It just didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that matters to me now is you and Jack, Spencer. And Rossi of course. He was the only one who didn’t swear his eternal hatred of me. I don’t blame them, though. I deserved it.”

 

“Not you didn’t Aaron. We all made bad decisions and we have paid for them. Now we both heal. I’ve been seeing a therapist to work out my problems too.”

 

“What are you going to do now?”

 

“I get so many job offerings, Aaron. But I want to stay in the area. Probably NIH or Georgetown.”

 

For the rest of the time before lunch, they just sat in the garden, holding each other and enjoying the multicolored leaves, which prompted an impromptu lecture from Spencer on the breakdown of chlorophyll in the leaves. Aaron was soothed by his rambling.

 

After lunch they walked the grounds holding hands with the two orderlies following behind at a respectful distance. Spencer asked Aaron about Jack.

 

“Yes, I wrote him. But I don’t want him to see me here...not like this.”

 

Spencer nodded in understanding.

 

All too soon it was time to go. Spencer held Aaron’s hand in a tight grip. “Aaron, remember you are not all alone. You have people who care about you. You have me, and Jack and Rossi. We are all in your corner and will never leave you.”

 

They hugged tightly. “Two weeks, standing appointment?” Spencer asked.

 

Aaron nodded. “Two weeks.”

They hugged again and shared a chaste kiss. “Goodbye Aaron. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Spencer.”

 

**Day Eighty-Eight**

 

_Dear Dad,_

_Thank you for your letter. I miss you very much. I am being good for Auntie Jessica and I am doing all my homework. I talked to mommy and asked her to watch over you and  make sure you get enough rest. We went on a field trip to the Smithsonian last week in school I wish you were there. I drew a picture of the dinosaur exhibit there which was my favorite._

_Uncle Spencer came to see me. He said that he isn’t in the FBI anymore. Are you still in the FBI daddy? If you are, I like it when you catch the bad guys but if you are not then that is OK too. Write me back dad._

_Love,_

_Jack_

 

Aaron smiled and blinked back tears. He took the picture and hung it above his bed. The nurses, orderlies, and even Dr. Schmidt commented on it. It made Aaron proud, but also make his heart ache for his son.

 

_Dear Jack,_

_Thank you very much for the picture. Everyone likes it. I miss you so much Jack! I’ll bet you had a great time at the Smithsonian. When I come home, we can go there if you want. We can even take Spencer._

_Jack, I do not work for the FBI anymore. But don’t worry, the team is still catching the bad guys. I want to rest and spend more time with you. I am glad you told mommy to watch over me._

_Jack I know you call me your hero but you are my hero Jack. you are brave, strong, and so smart. That makes you a hero in my book. Take care of your auntie Jessica._

_Write back, but remember to do your homework and chores first!_

_Love,_

_Dad_

  
  
  


_Dear Jessica,_

_I want to thank you for everything you have done for Jack and me, and apologize for the trouble I have caused. Thank you for being strong for Jack._

_I know I can never repay you, but I will be writing to Rossi, who is in charge of my accounts, to make sure you are financially supported. As of right now, I cannot say when I will be returning._

_Jessica, I want you to know that I have not forgotten about Haley, and I never will. I still love her as I always have, even though our marriage didn’t last._

_Again, thank you for everything you have done for Jack and me; and I appreciate you allowing Spencer to visit Jack._

_Yours Truly,_

_Aaron_

_Dear Dave,_

_First of all, let me thank you for being there for me in the lowest point of my life. I am not sure what would have happened if you hadn’t found me. Not many people would have gone as far as you have in being there for me._

_Next, I want to apologize for all the trouble I have caused. I have made some bad decisions,  so many of them, which have led me to where I am today. Leaving the Bureau was the wisest choice for me, after all that has happened. I know you are doing an excellent job as unit chief, the team respects you._

_I have a request. Could you please use my accounts to give Jessica financial support for taking care of Jack? Whatever you think is appropriate is fine._

_Once again, thank you for everything you have done. I can never repay you._

_Sincerely,_

_Aaron._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron makes a friend in group therapy. More letters.

**Day Eighty-nine**

 

“Aaron,” Dr. Schmidt began. “I think you are ready for group therapy.”

 

Aaron flinched and shook his head.

 

“Look Aaron, you don’t have to say anything, at least at first. All you have to do is listen; be a part of things.”

 

Aaron still looked doubtful.

 

“I know it will make you feel exposed, but it is an important part of the healing process.”

 

“Will I still meet with you?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Slowly, reluctantly, Aaron nodded. “I’ll try it.”

 

**Day Ninety-One**

 

_Dear Spencer,_

_How are you? I am sorry that I haven’t written before today but I have been writing a lot. I wrote to Jack, to Dave, and to Jessica. So much to say, so many apologies and so little time._

_I am in group therapy now, at Dr. Schmidt’s request. I haven’t said anything, I just listen. It is helping, a little. It helps me see mental patients in a different light, to see them as ‘regular people’ with problems just like everyone else. I have been as low as you can get, and there is no where else to go but up._

_God, I miss you Spencer. So, so much.  I cant wait to see you again.  Having you visit me has helped me so much. No, everything is not all perfect. Just the opposite. Everything is coming out, all the nightmares, dark thoughts, the fears, the insecurities. But I want to get better, to get out of here; so I have to face them._

_Spencer, you are my inspiration; you and Jack. But I also realize that I must do this for myself. Thank you so much for everything. Write back when you can, and I will see you soon._

_Love,_

_Aaron_

 

**Day Ninety-Three**

 

_Aaron,_

_Thank you for your letter. I want you to know that I have taken care of your request for Jessica. I was happy to do it. I have spoken to Jack and  he is dealing with the situation admirably. So brave, just like his father._

_I also want to apologize for any grief I gave you when you were Unit Chief. Now that I am on this side of the fence, I see what you had to go through. The amount of mental stress and extra work associated with this job is almost unbearable. I will never be the SAC that  you were but I am doing my best._

_I am hearing such good things about your recovery. I am glad you are getting the help you  need Aaron. We all just want to see you well._

_Your friend,_

_Dave_

  
  


**Day Ninety-Nine**

 

“How come you never say anything?” One of the members of the group asked Aaron. Surprised, he looked into the young woman’s eyes. Hair a dirty blond and large green eyes.

 

“You just come in here and sit everyday and you don’t say anything.”

 

“Mariah this is a non confrontational group,” the therapist chided gently.

 

“But-”

 

“It’s OK,” Aaron said. “I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say.”

 

“How about your name?” Mariah asked.

 

“Aaron. My name is Aaron.”

 

“Where are you from?”

 

“I’m from Virginia. Manassas.”

 

“How’d you end up here?”

“That’s enough,” the counselor intervened.

 

Aaron sighed. “I did something really stupid.”

 

“What did you do?” Mariah prodded, ignoring the counselor.

 

Aaron closed his eyes and began his story. When he finished, all eyes were on him, wide in amazement. Not judging, no derision.

 

“But it sounds like Spencer has forgiven you,” Mariah insisted. “He doesn’t blame you. I’ve been on Oxy and  Vicodin  and  the first thing they tell you in NA is that you can’t blame anyone for your addiction but yourself. That goes for relapses too.”

 

“I know you’re right but…” Aaron tailed off.

 

“You can’t forgive yourself,” Mariah said. Aaron  nodded. “Been there, done that. Look, I wasn’t a fancy G-man like you but I ran my parents bookstore and coffee shop. I got clean and got my associate’s degree in business. Then I just screwed it all up. Burned plenty of people, most will never forgive me. But my parents did. All you need is one or two people in your corner.”

 

After the group session, Aaron walked up to Mariah.

 

“You seem to have all the answers,” Aaron observed.

 

“Been  here a few times,” Mariah admitted. “Bipolar and I don’t stay on my meds like I should. But I’m done with this place. Seven more weeks. I promised myself I would never come back.”

 

“I see.”

“So when is Spencer coming to visit again?” She asked.

 

“This Saturday.”

 

“He sounds like a great guy. Can I meet him?”

 

Aaron’s first instinct was to say no; that it would be inappropriate. That he needed to keep these people out of his private life. But that was Hotch talking, not Aaron. Spencer wouldn’t judge, and neither would she. “Ok,” he decided.

 

“Cool. My parents are coming up you can meet them. Want to play cards? They won’t let up play poker or blackjack but we can play Gin Rummy or...what are you smiling about?” She finished.

 

“Spencer is a genius at cards. He’s been banned from casinos because he’s so good.”

 

“Does he cheat?”

 

Aaron chuckled. “All the time. You have to really watch him when you’re playing with him.”

 

“Yeah, I hate playing with the smart ones. They can break it down to all the mathematical formulas they want, but all they’re doing is cheating if you ask me. So whad’ya say G-Man? Gin Rummy?”

 

“It’s Aaron and Gin Rummy is just fine.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Spencer doesn't cheat playing cards then re watch episode 2.08 'Empty Planet'. Brazen cheating on the plane. Next chapter, Spencer visits again and meets Mariah.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer visits and meets Mariah. Aaron shares some of his writing with Spencer.

**Day One hundred two**

“Aaron,” Spencer greeted his love with a light kiss on the lips. “How are you?”

 

“I’m taking it one day at a time Spencer,” Aaron responded as he returned Spencer’s hug.  They walked together to a table in the visitor’s room. There were several large couches with ottomans, and tables with chairs. There were chess boards, cards, checkers and backgammon. Visitors were on the couches or at the table talking quietly with the patients.

 

“How about a game?” Spencer asked and picked up the pack of cards.

 

“Sure.”

 

Spencer began a fancy shuffle and prepared to deal the cards.

 

“You must be Spencer.”

 

Spencer turned around to see a woman standing behind him with wild blond hair and green eyes.

 

“I am,” Spencer answered. “And you are?”

 

“Oh, Spencer,” Aaron said while standing up. “This is Mariah, she’s in my group.”

 

Mariah stuck or her hand, but Spencer did his little half wave.

 

“Ah, one of those germaphobes eh?” She asked.

 

“Um, no, I just-”

 

“Don’t like people in your personal space,” Mariah finished for him. “I get it.” Mariah sat down at the table. “Deal me in. And no cheating either. Aaron told me about you.”

 

Spencer gave Aaron a look of mock disapproval. “I don’t cheat. Its just-”

 

“Simple math, I know. All you geniuses are just alike. It’s card counting, anyway you slice it, Las Vegas.”

 

Spencer raised his eyebrows. “Did Aaron tell you my shoe size and blood type as well?”

 

“No, but I would guess...let’s see. You’re pretty tall, a size ten and a half. And your kind of pale, so probably have a vitamin K deficiency.  Probably type AB negative.”

 

Spencer was surprised. “How do you know that?”

 

“I read a lot. My parents own a bookstore and coffee shop in D.C.”

 

Spencer lit up. “Which one?”

 

“ _One More Page_ off of-”

 

“M avenue. I’ve been to it, several times. Good coffee. I don’t get there a lot though.”

 

“Yep that’s it. Used to run it myself. But when I get off my meds I get a little screwy, you know? My cousin is running it now.”

 

“What condition do you have? If that’s not too personal I mean.”

 

“Oh, come on genius. You are a profiler right? You tell me.”

 

“Hmmm….you’re friendly and outgoing with a fiercely protective nature.  You have a knack for bringing people out of their shell and finding out information about them. But I can also tell by the marks on your arms that you go through periods of extreme depression and self hatred. I would say bipolar disorder.”

 

“You would be right, genius. So are we gonna play or what?”

 

“Mariah, I thought your parents were coming today,” Aaron spoke up.

 

“Oh yeah. They are, just running late. Something going on with my sister.”

 

“I see.”

 

An hour later, after several rounds in which Mariah swore revenge on Spencer and called him a few choice names, an elderly couple appeared in the room.

 

“That’s them,” Mariah said. “I would introduce you but they kind of keep to themselves,  you know? See you later.”

 

When she left, Spencer turned to Aaron. “She’s quite a character.”

 

“She definitely keeps things interesting, that’s for sure. But she seems to understand me, or at least what I’ve been through. She understands how I feel.”

 

Spencer raised an eyebrow. “Should I be jealous?”

 

Aaron chuckled. “Of course not. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to.”

 

Spencer rubbed his chin. “I see. Well no funny business, alright?”

 

“You got it.”

 

They spent the afternoon playing chess and talking.

 

“Aaron, I know you left the BAU behind you but umm….” he trailed off.

 

“Go on,” Aaron encouraged.

 

“They caught The Sandman.”

 

“Oh really? Glad to hear that.”

 

‘The Sandman’ was a serial killer in New Mexico that killed his victims, hollowed out their insides and filled them with sand. They had been consulting on the case for a few months before Aaron left the BAU, but had not gotten past a preliminary profile.

 

“Who was it?”

 

“That Anthropology Professor from UNM.”

 

“I knew it,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “The sheriff didn’t want to believe it.”

 

“As always,” Spencer agreed.

 

Aaron took Spencer’s hands in his strong grip. “Spencer, I just want to thank you again for being there for me. I just don’t know…” Aaron trailed off, his eyes burning with passion. Spencer saw remnants of the old Aaron in him. The intensity in his eyes, his determined expression. He could feel him. Aaron had gained some weight as well, no more than eight pounds, Spencer guess, but it was something. But  his hair was even more salt than pepper now, and there were still the bruises on his wrists…

 

  
“Spencer?” Aaron was studying him carefully, holding a yellow legal pad.

 

“Oh sorry Aaron. I was just thinking.”

 

“Aren’t you always?”

 

“Of course. What’s that?”

 

“It’s some of my writing. This is the second day I was here.” He pushed the pad towards Spencer.

 

Spencer hesitated. “Aaron, are you sure?”

 

“Yes Spencer. I want you to read it.”

 

_To Spencer,_

_I’m sorry Spencer. THis is my fault. Where are you? I just wanted to find you, but no one would help me. I just wanted to know if you were ok, Spencer. I was going to find you. I was almost there, but Rossi made me get in the car. He said it was raining and I didn’t have a jacket. Plus I lost a shoe. I was going to find you, but I got into the car. Emily was in the car but she wouldn’t look at me. She was mad at me. Everybody is. I deserve it. I deserve it all._

_Spencer, I just wanted to know where you were. But no one would tell me. Morgan wouldn’t tell me. He wanted to keep us apart.  He said I didn’t deserve you. I don’t._

_Spencer, I don’t feel well right now. There’s something wrong with me. I feel it. I don’t know what it is though. I feel like something is dying in me. It feels rotten. I just want to cut it out so it doesn’t take over my whole body. But maybe its my soul. There’s no cure for a rotten soul is there? Maybe I should just end it. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Goodbye Spencer, I love you and I’m sorry…._

 

Spencer’s eyes were wet and he was visibly shaking when he finished reading. “Aaron? Were you really going to…”

 

Aaron nodded. “I would have. I was pretty messed up then. They kept me strapped down and had me on suicide watch though. When I wasn’t strapped down all I could do is write. This is what came out.”

 

“Aaron-”

 

“It’s ok Spencer, I got through it. Apparently, its very common. I don’t have those thoughts anymore Spencer. I could never leave Jack...and you. I love you both too much.”

 

Spencer gripped Aaron’s hands tightly. “Promise me you’ll think of us if those thoughts come back? I can’t lose you now Aaron, I just can’t.”

  
“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Aaron bids Mariah farewell and struggles with new demons. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron bids farewell to Mariah, but there is some trouble on the home front.

**Day One Hundred Forty-Seven**

 

Aaron sipped his ginger ale as he watched Mariah cut into her cake. She was leaving tomorrow and the therapy group had organized a going away party for her. Aaron felt happy for her. She had vowed never to return again, and he believed her. During their many conversations she had revealed much to him. She was adopted by her parents when she was eight years old. She had grown up in an abusive home in Arkansas. She had been molested by her mother’s boyfriend and abused by her mother and grandmother. She had been burned with irons, whipped with extension cords  and thrown out of the window of her trailer. Her mother and her boyfriend ran a meth lab in the trailer. When the lab exploded, her mother took her older brother and fled the trailer but left her in her room. The boyfriend wasn’t home. She spent weeks in the hospital unconscious from the noxious fumes she had inhaled. Her mother and boyfriend had been arrested for the meth lab, child endangerment, and child abuse. She was in a foster home for two years before the elderly couple adopted her.

 

“I was trouble from the start,” she confessed. “I don’t know why they kept me. They put me in therapy and it helped some, but I was still a wild child. When my sister was born, I was certain that they were going to abandon me. After all, they adopted me after years of trying to have a baby and being unsuccessful. But they didn’t....”

 

Aaron had opened up to her about his childhood as well. They had become quite close. Honestly, their conversations had helped him more than the sessions with Dr. Schmidt sometimes. Mariah had plenty of helpful and practical advice. He was truly going to miss her.

 

“What’s on your mind, G-man?” Mariah insisted on calling him that instead of his given name so he tolerated it.

 

“Just thinking back over some of our conversations.”

 

“Well remember what I told you. Take your meds, talk to the shrink and do everything they tell  you, no matter how stupid you think it is. And write to me, I’ll write back, even though I hate it. you have my address?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Good. And don’t worry, G-man. I know it's scary, but you’ll be OK. You’re too stubborn to not be OK.”

 

Aaron smiled.

 

**Day one hundred fifty**

 

_Dear Spencer,_

_Thank you for sending me a copy of  your latest publication. I had no idea that you had been working on this for over a year before we left the BAU. I didn’t realize you were still publishing such excellent works. I guess that was negligence on my part._

_Mariah left two days ago. I’ll admit, it’s been kind of lonely without her here. She was entertaining and I consider her a friend. I will miss her. She promised to write._

_I miss you, and I miss Jack. I just can’t let him see me here, I just can’t. It makes me feel weak. I know it's vanity talking  but I also don’t want to upset him. I write him at least once a week._

_I look forward to seeing you next Saturday,_

_Love,_

_Aaron_

 

_David,_

_Something has been going on with Jack, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Somehow, the kids at school found out about Aaron being institutionalized. I think one of the kids in another class has a parent that works in the Bureau. Anyway, the child has been spreading the rumor around that Jack’s father is in the ‘crazy house’ and Jack finally got wind of it. There were some other things that were said and there was a fight. The kid is a lot older and bigger than Jack, so Jack is probably much the worse for wear; but from what I hear, Jack landed some ‘good, solid, hits’. Not that I’m encouraging violence of any kind._

_Anyway, Jack asked me about where Aaron was and I told him he was in a hospital to rest. He asked if it was for  ‘mental’ as he put it, not quite understanding what a mental hospital is. I didn’t want to lie to him, so I told him yes. He is now all but demanding to see Aaron, and I honestly don’t know what to do. He’s been having trouble sleeping at night and teachers say he isn’t as focused in school. Please help._

_Jessica Brooks_

 

**Day One Hundred fifty-four**

 

_Dear Jessica,_

_I have spoken with Aaron’s doctor and Spencer at length about the current situation. We all are in agreement: Aaron needs to see Jack. We know that we will have a hard time bringing him round to the idea which is why I will be travelling with Spencer on the next visitor’s day. His doctor will be with us when we explain the situation to him. If we get him to agree, I will speak with Jack to prepare him for the visit._

_I must take the time to thank you for your dedication to Jack, and by extension to Aaron. He is now in treatment and should be able to be released in a few months, if all goes according to schedule. Never hesitate to call or write me with any concerns._

_Sincerely,_

_David Rossi_

  


_Dear Aaron,_

_I can’t wait to see you either! I miss you. I know you miss Mariah. She could reach you on a peer level, like no one else. I’m glad she was there for you. But remember Aaron, you are not alone. You have me, Rossi, Jack, and Jessica. We are your family and we will always be here for you._

_I love you, and I will see you Saturday._

_Love,_

_Spencer_

 

Aaron sat in the visitor’s room calmly, waiting for Spencer. He had been writing more lately, more like a journal than anything else. He had organized his thoughts and experiences more, trying to analyze them and learn from them. He even had one of the legal pads for Spencer to read. He was feeling really good about the visit, until Spencer walked in with Dave and Dr. Schmidt.  He could only think of one thing:  Jack.Something  must have happened to Jack.

All of a sudden, Aaron couldn’t breathe. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer, Dave, and the doctor try to convince Aaron to see Jack.

“Aaron,” Dr. Schmidt said calmly as Aaron gasped for air. “You’re going to have to calm down and breathe. Breathe, Aaron.”

 

He was lying on the couch in Dr. Schmidt’s office. How had he gotten here, wasn’t he just in the visitor’s lounge? What happened? His mind was drawing a blank.

 

Strong hands reached out. Two orderlies sat him up. His head felt light.

 

“Aaron,” a calm voice came through the fog. Spencer. “Please breathe. Please.”

 

Aaron felt his body relaxing as he tried to replace the oxygen in his body.

 

“Aaron, slow down,” Dave chided gently.

 

Dave. _Dave._ Dave was here. But why? Jack. It had to be Jack.

 

“Jack,” Aaron gasped before starting to hyperventilate.

 

After ten more minutes of coaxing Aaron to breathe and assuring him that Jack was not hurt, he was finally calm enough to talk.

 

“Aaron,” Dave began, “this is about Jack. But not like you think.”

 

“What is it?” Aaron asked.

 

“Some kid at school found out you were here and has been giving Jack grief about it. They got into a scuffle about it.”

 

“Jack got in a fight?” Aaron asked, shocked. Jack was a gentle soul, no aggressive streak like his father.

 

“Yeah. Some older kid. He roughed Jack up pretty good but the kid got in some solid hits according to Jessica.”

 

“You’re condoning this? And Jessica too?” Aaron exclaimed. “Jack’s fighting in school and it’s my fault, my fault, I did this….” Aaron was hugging himself and rocking back and forth on the couch.

 

Dave grabbed Aaron’s shoulders. “Aaron stop it! Get ahold of yourself!” “No!” Dave exclaimed when Spencer and Dr. Schmidt tried to intervene. “No, he started this self pity party when we told him about Spencer. Do you remember what happened after that? That’s how you ended up here. I’m telling you to get the hell over yourself. This is not about you, this is about Jack. He needs you. He asked Jessica if you were in a mental hospital. She didn’t want to lie to him. Now he is demanding to see you. He’s also having trouble sleeping and focusing in school.”

 

Aaron was on the verge of falling apart again but Dave barked at him in his Marine’s voice and forced him to focus. “He needs to see you Aaron. There’s no getting around it. You also need to talk to him. Today.”

 

***********

 

Jessica was setting at the kitchen table, massaging her temples and hoping that Spencer and David could get through to Aaron when the phone rang. She didn’t recognize the number but she knew who was calling.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jessica.”

 

“Aaron! I’m so glad you called! Jack is….” Jessica trailed off.

 

“I know. Dave and Spencer told me. I’m so sorry about all of this Jessica.”

 

“No Aaron, it’s not your fault. Just please, talk to Jack, and see him if you can.”

 

“I will. Is he there now?”

 

“Yes. Hold on.” Jessica trailed into the living room where Jack was laying on the couch, staring at cartoons on the television, but not really watching.

 

“Jack?”

 

“Hmm?” Aaron could hear in the background, and it made his guts twist to hear his son sound so apathetic. This was his fault.

 

“You have a phone call.”

 

“Who is it?”

 

“You’ll have to see,” Jessica said, handing him the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi Jack.”

 

“DAD!!!! IS IT YOU? IS IT REALLY YOU!!!!” Jack screamed.

 

“Whoa,” Spencer chuckled.

 

“Kid’s definitely got a set of lungs,” Rossi commented.

 

“Yes, Jack it’s me. How’s it going buddy.”

 

“Dad, I got in trouble in school. Paul Kane was telling kids that his dad said that you are in the crazy house because you lost it and he said you were crazy and I got mad and hit him and then he-”

 

“Whoa, slow down buddy.”

 

“Dad, why are you in a mental hospital?” Jack asked, point blank. His tone was not accusatory, just wanting information.

 

“Jack,” Aaron sighed, trying to think of a way to answer the question. “I’m here because something happened and I didn’t handle it well. I wasn’t thinking right at the time and I made some bad choices.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“It’s not something we should get into over the phone, buddy. I promise I will tell you all about it soon, OK.”

 

“Dad?” Jack’s voice was suddenly weak and watery. “I miss you. I want to see you. When are you coming  back?”

 

“I don’t know when I’m coming back. But I’ll tell you what. You can come and visit Jack, but first,” he had to speak up over Jack’s exclaims of delight. “You have to stay focused in school and help your Aunt Jessica. Do you promise?”

 

“Yes, dad. I promise!”

 

“Good. I love you Jack.”

 

“I love you too Dad!”

 

“Great. Let me speak with your aunt Jessica.”

 

There was a pause before Jessica came on. “Aaron?”

 

“Jessica. The next visitor’s day is in two weeks. Dave and Spencer will be driving Jack up here to visit. They will call you with the details,” Aaron was showing some of his old characteristics of leadership. So decisive.

 

“Thank  you Aaron.”

 

“No. Thank _you_ Jessica, for all that you do for Jack.”

 

After Aaron hung up the phone he turned to Spencer, Dave, and the doctor, who were watching him.

 

“Well I guess Jack’s coming in two weeks,” Aaron said, the nervousness clearly evident in his voice.

 

Spencer stood up and strode over to Aaron, gathering him into a hug. “Aaron it’s going to be ok.”

 

“I don’t know Spencer,” Aaron sighed as he returned the hug.

 

Later, as Dave spoke with Dr. Schmidt Spencer and Aaron walked the grounds despite of the chilly weather.

 

“Don’t worry Aaron. You know Jack won’t judge you.”

 

“I know, it’s just...I’ve alway been his hero. What’s he going to think we he sees me like this? I’m all skinny, hair almost completely grey, these scrubs make me look like a-”

 

“Wow, Aaron. I had no idea that you were so vain,” Spencer observed.

 

“Shut up Spencer,” Aaron chuckled.  “I am not vain!”

 

“Are too,” Spencer argued. “With good reason. You are a very handsome man, Aaron. I was always so jealous when I would see the women fawning all over you on those cases. Especially that CeCe Hillenbrand. I wanted to scratch her eyes out and tell her to back off!”

Aaron laughed. Harder this time. It felt so good to laugh. “Spencer, she just wanted my help to put Matloff away.”

 

“Yeah right,” Spencer snorted. “I saw the way she was looking at you when you profiled that attorney. It _was_ pretty hot, though.”

 

“Yes, well that case was pretty special. It was the first time we….” Aaron paused, he hadn’t mentioned or thought about anything sexual in months. “...we made love,” Aaron finished.

 

They stopped and Aaron hugged Spencer close again. This time when they kissed, there was no hesitation on Aaron’s part. His kiss was hungry and intense. Spencer opened his mouth and accepted Aaron’s tongue. They kissed passionately for a few moments. Spencer had always loved Aaron’s intensity while being intimate. It was so easy to remember, but Spencer also remembered where they were and Aaron’s condition. He pulled back. “Aaron.”

 

“Spencer,” Aaron’s face flushed with shame. He looked back to see the orderlies that followed him around when he was on the grounds. They were discreet, but he knew they’d seen.

 

“No, don’t be sorry. It was wonderful, reminds me of old times. It’s just, I don’t like people watching.”

  
Aaron smiled and held Spencer tighter. “Me either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I have a few faithful fans of this story, so I plan to finish it up while I have time off, as well as some of my other WIP's. For the purposes of this story, Jack is a few years older, around eight.


End file.
